Dystopia in G Minor

The Government's our new audience - but no matter how we play it, it's still Dystopia.

Writers always enjoy getting new readers, but it is not an easy task to be seen amidst the cacophany of Creators. Fortunately, writers now have a brand new ally in the fight for views: the Goverment!

Oh, it is a cause for concern to some. There is an ever-danger of intimidation, harrassment or even outright persecution when The Powers That Be take interest in The Power of We; but even in the midst of this extraordinary scrutiny, we must find a silver lining… We the People have You, our Government Readers!

High profile people have made their interests known by forming a new Reading Club known as the Disinformation Governance Board. Now, as we all can agree, any entity with the words ‘Governance Board’ in its name is to be rightfully feared, as those words tend to denote absolute tyranny. I am certain that those who organised this board are fully aware of the effects of its name, and are certain to be enjoying said effects right now. No one creates a Governance board of any kind for any good reason; they are created to let people know there was a bad reason. So with that in mind, let us just admit that those who are in charge of said Disinformation Governance Board are intending to wield it as a hammer - and they duly expect our compliance, or else.

But while we are being blugeoned to ideological death by our betters, let us find a silver lining; to bloom where we are implanted, to brighten the Gulag where are, etc. - and I, for one, welcome our new Speech Overlords. Let us embrace our new Audience!

Of course, some will complain this is Pollyannish. It is. And why not? In a world of skyrocketing inflation, crippling supply chain issues and unexplained shortages, it would seem naive at best for anyone to see any good in any Governance Board, especially one designed to crush ‘Free Speech Absolutists’. But opportunity knocks with this enforced readership: somebody, somewhere, is being tasked with reading everything we’ve ever written; I at last am guaranteed an audience, and I intend to amuse it.

I do have a few teensy rules, though and You Who Must Be Obeyed won’t mind following these rules while we graciously offer you our vast libraries of tweets, rants and generally innocuous musings:

FIVE GOVERNING GOVERNANCES FOR GOVERNING GOVERNORS

RULE ONE: Do not name call. Calling people names is ill advised for a number of reasons, reason one being it is mean and mean people suck. If you want us to write interesting diatribes that are worthy of your illustrious scrutiny, stop insulting us. We’re far more likely to write something spectacular if we think you like us.

RULE TWO: Do not ask for personal information. People who are our friends already know where we live. When we want you to know, we will freely offer that information - which we will do after you’ve convinced us you really are Joe Bobby Frankendoofs from Fort Worth, Texas. Which you totally will, because we love our Readers.

RULE THREE: Do not belittle our content - we might stop writing! Well, not that one Troll - they love that sort of thing. But most of us are quite shy, and may need some coaxing if you want to hear our really juicy freespeechisms. Instead, tell us you love what we just wrote and you want to hear more; we’ll write all kinds of intellectual smut because it’s always flattering to be flattered - until one is flattened.

RULE FOUR: DO put it in writing. Write exactly what you think we should write and make sure to let us see it in triplicate. When we write back what you wrote to us, you can then point with pride at the Thought Crime you perpetrated, word for word.

READ EVERYTHING: I mean everything. Become a SuperFan. Visit all our plaforms. Sign in to our pages. Leave comments, click hearts, retweet obsessively and check at 3AM to see if we have updated. This will make us think you care if you publicly support us and let your bot audience know to like and subscribe. Make sure to sign up for notifications - it’s a guaranteed Free Speech Fiesta when you do!

With these Five Rules in place, the Disinformation Governance Board and the Iron Fist that wields it will become a valuable member of our writers’ community. If every little word we write is going to be vivisected in preparation for the devouring minds of the Silver Platter Set, we might as well enjoy the attention. With the all-seeing eye combing our every word, we have you, our Governing audience, collaborating in our latest work: Dystopia in G Minor, a Play in One Act, to a captive crowd -

are you not entertained?